


Invasion of the Mary Sue

by willowoftheriver



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, F/M, Humor, Implied Mpreg, M/M, Mary Sue, Originally Posted on FanFiction.Net, Parody, Self-Insert, Teamwork, and the severus/sirius is like implied in one line at the very end, because eighth graders always churn out the best fanfics, old fic, so old i was like fourteen when writing it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-01
Updated: 2015-08-04
Packaged: 2018-04-07 02:45:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,730
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4246476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/willowoftheriver/pseuds/willowoftheriver
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An amazingly perfect, model beautiful American transfer student has inexplicably shown up at Hogwarts. Soon it falls to Snape and Hermione to save their fictional universe from the horrific story-warping powers of the Sue.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Enter Miss Chantilly Ecstasy Blossom

**Author's Note:**

> As I said in the tags, this is ancient. I'm not even really in the Harry Potter fandom anymore. But, I've still always been kind of fond of this story, so I decided there was no reason not to post it. :)
> 
> I might vaguely edit some parts of it as I post it on here.

The Great Hall was abuzz with activity. Students who hadn't seen each other over the summer break eagerly filled each other in on new events and the latest gossip. The teachers were in their usual positions at the Head Table, some of them making idle chatter with each other, and some (or, shall we say, one particular potions master) fended off any type of conversation in favor of looking out over the students.

All in all, it was a normal start of the year feast.

Then, _She_ showed up.

_She_ was the most gorgeous girl anyone could imagine. She had long, flowing, shimmering auburn hair which hung in rivulets down to her lower back. Her eyes were the most striking violet that anyone could imagine - they were even more attractive than Lily Evans' trademark green. They seemed to sparkle with a magnificent inner light. Her skin was flawless - it looked like the finest porcelain. She was tall with long, slender, shapely legs. Her features were perfect! (In fact, _She_ was so indescribably beautiful that one needed a dictionary to find a way to put her magnificence into words.)

Everyone was instantly awed.

Headmaster Dumbledore stood. "We are honored to have a seventh year American exchange student! Please give a warm welcome to Miss. Chantilly Ecstasy Blossom Rutherford!"

Severus Snape was instantly disgusted; all the boys (and some of the girls) drooled.

The girl strutted up to the Sorting Hat, her tight robe clinging to her body and showing off her ever graceful movements. She daintily sat down on the stool and McGonagall put the hat on her head.

"GRYFFINDOR!" it screamed almost immediately.

Smiling widely, she stood up and, pausing to smooth down her robe (which had ridden up slightly, exposing silky white thighs) and ran over to the Gryffindor Table, amongst deafening applause from the Gryffindors themselves.

"Hello," she said in a soft, sweet voice. She had a slight Southern accent. "I'm Chantilly Ecstasy Blossom."

"I'm - I'm - uh - I'm Henry - uh-" Harry shook his head slightly. "I mean Harry. I'm Harry. Harry Potter. _**The**_ Harry Potter." He smiled charmingly, until Ron pushed him out of the way so he could introduce himself.

"I'm Ronald Weasley," he said, trying and failing horribly to put on a flirtatious face. "Harry Potter's _**best friend.**_ "

"And I'm Hermione Granger," said the bushy haired girl. "So - you're from America?"

The girl nodded. "Kentucky. I just love it there, but we had to move! I already miss it! I was the best horseback rider in the state! I won fifty medals for jumping!"

"Aren't you a little young to be a seventh year?"

"Oh - I'm only fourteen! But my marks are _**so**_ good that they let me skip some grades!"

"Wow!" Hermione seemed awed.

"I'm a little afraid though," she said. "What with it being a new school and all. What if no one likes me?!"

"I'll introduce you to people!" Harry and Ron shouted at the same time.

"Oh! Thank you so much! I was so worried that no one would like little old me!"

"Wow," Hermione repeated quietly. "She's humble, _too_."

Chantilly hugged Ron, then Harry, in thanks.

At the Head Table, Severus Snape seethed with jealousy. Something about this girl was setting off all his internal alarms . . .


	2. Scorned By a Love Poem

Supposedly, Tom Marvolo Riddle was the best student to ever walk the halls of Hogwarts.

That was, of course, until Chantilly Ecstasy Blossom Rutherford arrived.

In one week of attending school, she had made friends of both genders from all four houses, in all different years. She had the highest grades ever recorded in the history of the Hogwarts – higher than both Albus Dumbledore's and Tom Riddle's.

And she always looked as if she was walking down a runway in Paris.

All the males in the castle, minus one, were in love with her.

Professor Severus Snape loathed her.

Not that he ever took points from her, as she never messed up in class. She made the most difficult brews almost as well as he could, and she seemed to know everything there was to know about potions. Of course, if the gossip in the staff room was anything to go by, that was how she was in every other subject in the school as well.

Something was off about her . . .

.

 

Chantilly Ecstasy Blossom's dainty laugh was music to the ears of the Gryffindor boys. They all wore goofy, love-sick smiles on their faces as they crowded around the beautiful girl at the dinner table.

"Chantilly Ecstasy Blossom," said Seamus Finnigan. "What a gorgeous name!"

"I know," she said, smiling.

"It makes me think of flowers and . . . happiness," said Ron airily.

Michael Corner suddenly appeared from seemingly nowhere, a bouquet of red roses and a heart shaped box of candy in his hands.

"Chantilly Ecstasy Blossom," he began, "I – I'd just like to give you this," he said in a rush, pushing the gifts into her hands. His face heated.

"Why thank you, sweetie!" she exclaimed, her southern accent suddenly stronger. "I really appreciate it! You know," she said, turning back to the other boys, "This is the fifteenth bouquet I've gotten this week, and the twenty-seventh box of chocolates!"

"Really?" demanded Ron, his face red with jealousy.

"Yes," she continued. "I've also gotten nineteen teddy bears, thirty early valentines, and fifty-two poems. The one I got from Draco Malfoy really stood out! Very well written! Funny, he didn't strike me as the romantic type!"

"Malfoy," Ron and Harry growled as one.

.

 

"Goddamn Malfoy!" shouted Ron, angrily kicking the couch in the Gryffindor common room.

"What did he do?" demanded Hermione, looking up from her homework.

"He's trying to steal away Chantilly Ecstasy Blossom! Slimy Slytherin brat!"

Hermione narrowed her eyes. "What do you mean, steal away?"

"The bloody Ferret wrote Chantilly Ecstasy Blossom a love poem! A love poem!" Ron was pacing like a caged animal. He finally paused. "You know what?" he demanded. "I've got to write her a better one! Where's that bloody rhyming dictionary?!"

He sped out of the common room, leaving behind a red faced Hermione. "But – but," she spluttered, "Draco – Draco couldn't have written that – that bitch a love poem! He's dating me!"

.

 

"Goddamn Malfoy!" shouted Harry, kicking one of the suits of armor that lined the corridor. The metal of the armor was harder than the toe of his shoe, however, and he hissed in pain.

"What did he do?" asked Luna Lovegood, walking up with her books in hand.

"He's trying to steal away Chantilly Ecstasy Blossom! Filthy Slytherin brat!"

Luna furrowed her brow. "What do you mean 'steal away'?"

"Malfoy wrote Chantilly Ecstasy Blossom a love poem! A love – poem!" Harry paced up and down the length of hallway, looking a bit like a caged tiger. He finally stopped. "You know what? I know what I've got to do! I'll write her a poem! A better one! Where's that rhyming dictionary?"

He hurried off down the corridor.

Luna looked rather confused. "I thought Malfoy was already dating someone?" she asked aloud, shrugging, before walking off down the hall, never noticing Professor Snape's jarred office door.

Severus quietly shut the door and locked it, sliding down the back of it to the ground. "Slytherins are filthy, are we, Mister Potter? And what would you call backstabbing little brats who cheat on their lovers?"

.

 

Hermione quickly made her ways through the dark halls of Hogwarts underneath Harry Potter's invisibility cloak. She had barely avoided Miss Chantilly Ecstasy Blossom, who kept bugging her about being 'study buddies', but when there's a will, there's a way. And Hermione Granger most definitely had a will to go to the library without anyone knowing she'd been there.

Her heart almost stopped when she suddenly collided with a large body clad in all black. Both she and the other person hit the ground with dull thuds.

"Potter?" growled a very recognizable voice. Hermione winced – she was sure to be killed, or worse, expelled.

"N – no, Sir," she stuttered, shakily throwing the cloak off and standing up. She offered a hand to the Professor but he batted it away, instead making his way to his feet by himself. "I – I'm sorry, Sir-"

"Miss Granger," he said, sneering, "Would you please explain what exactly you are doing outside of the library at two o'clock in the morning? Has your obsessive need to constantly study carried over into your sleeping time?"

"N- no, Professor Snape, sir."

"Then please, do tell."

"Well – well, Sir, I – I just wanted to . . ." She bit her lip. Summoning her courage, she sharply asked, "What are you doing here, Sir?"

Severus scowled. "Encase you have forgotten, Miss Granger," he snapped, "I am a Professor at this school. It is my right to be out in the halls as I please. Now, tell me, Granger, what were you doing here at this god awful hour of the morning?"

"I – I – IwantedtoseeifIcouldfindanythingaboutwhychantillyrutherfordissoperfect." The words came out in a rush and were indecipherable.

"Repeat what you just said, and articulately this time," said Severus, annoyance in his voice.

"I wanted to see if I could find anything about why Chantilly Rutherford is so perfect," she said slowly.

Severus eyed her warily. "Really?"

"Yes. I – I thought that maybe she might be part veela or – or something. I'm not really sure." She breathed in deeply. "But for god's sake, Professor, no one can really be that utterly perfect!"

Severus was silent for a moment. "I completely agree with you, Miss Granger," he finally said.

Hermione's head darted upwards to look at him. "You . . . do?"

"Yes. Very much. Tell me, which of Hogwarts' idiot males used to be yours before she stole him away?"

Hermione bit her lip. "You won't believe me."

"Oh, trust me – I think I will."

She muttered something under her breath.

"What was that?" demanded Severus.

"Draco Malfoy," she said, her voice still hushed.

Severus raised an eyebrow. "Malfoy . . . And here I was thinking he was his father's little 'mini-me'."

"Draco is much better than his father," insisted Hermione hotly.

Severus stared at her for a minute. "You do care about him, then?"

"Of course I do," said Hermione. "Or else the moment I heard he was sending bloody love poems to Miss Chantilly Ecstasy Blossom," -you could almost hear her eye-roll- "I would've broken it off immediately!" She looked him up and down for several seconds. "Who's your boyfriend on the edge of being stolen, then, Professor?"

Severus glared down at her. "I do not have a," he sneered, "boyfriend, Granger, you idiot girl. I am simply patrolling the halls."

"You're wearing a bathrobe, a t-shirt, and pajama bottoms," she deadpanned.

Severus glanced down at his attire and almost blushed.

"Who's your – if not boyfriend, then – lover?"

"You won't like it," said Severus, the sting of having to tell Hermione Granger about his relationship almost outweighed by the anticipation of her shock at the identity of his lover.

"Tell me," she demanded.

"Harry Potter."

She stared at him blankly for a few moments. "It's not time for you to finally be displaying a sense of humor, Professor, no matter how dark."

"I assure you, I'm not."

"I knew he was seeing someone," she said, almost to herself, "It was hard not to notice – but – but I never would've even guessed . . . How did it start?"

"That, Granger, is none of your business," Severus snapped. "Now, do you want to go and find out what exactly makes Rutherford as sickeningly perfect as she is, or do you wish to dawdle around out here all night?"

Hermione pulled the library door open and motioned Severus through. "Lead the way, Professor."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because Snape + Hermione = Win. Platonic or romantic.


	3. The Darkest Creatures

Nothing. Nothing at all could be found as to why Chantilly E. B. Rutherford was so disgustingly perfect.

Severus and Hermione and searched all through the early hours of the morning, looking at what felt like three fourths of the entire school library. Their search had so far proved fruitless.

Hermione Granger threw a large tome entitled: _The Easy One - Two - Three Step Potion to Make You Completely Irresistible to the Opposite Sex (And/Or the Same Sex),_ down on the table in disgust.

"Not a veela!" she spat, her fingers digging into the top of the table, "Not a vampire! Not a demon! What the hell is she?!"

Professor Snape raised an eyebrow at Hermione's use of a curse word, but refrained from commenting. Instead he sighed.

"We'll look for ten more minutes," he began, standing up and striding over to the restricted section. He reached up and pulled a large, leather-bound book off the highest shelf. Big gold calligraphy spelled out a title of: _The Darkest Creatures: Mary Sues._

"By then we'll have to go to class," he continued. "But if we haven't found _anything_ by then, we might just have to accept that . . ." he trailed off.

"That the Blossom Bitch is naturally that irresistible and flawless," Hermione finished, biting her lip.

Severus sat down, snorting. "'The Blossom Bitch'? Why Miss Granger, I didn't even realize you _knew_ such vulgarities."

Hermione sent a nasty look in his direction, huffing and forcibly opening a small book titled: _Popularity Charms: The How To of Social Ladder Climbing - Ten Easy Charms and Twelve Simple Potions._

"Good alliteration, though, Granger," murmured Severus while opening his own book. The library was dead silent for several minutes, only interrupted by the crisp sound of turning pages.

Then Severus's head suddenly shot up, his black hair wildly flying into his face. His obsidian eyes widened drastically and he slowly looked at Hermione. The girl was still perusing the same book, the look on her face clearly saying that she hadn't found anything pertinent.

"Did - did Rutherford tell you anything about her background?"

Hermione nodded absentmindedly, focused on her book. "She said her parents died tragically in a freak accident when she was two, leaving her to the tender mercies of a cousin, who was abusive and neglectful. The cousin moved away when she was seven, leaving her homeless on the streets of southern Kentucky. Her amazing horseback riding abilities relocated her to Lexington, where she won some unbelievable amount of awards. All through it, the only thing that kept her going was her love of languages, of which she learned fifty-four." Hermione made a disgusted sound. "I didn't even know that many different languages bloody existed!"

A gleeful smile crept across Snape's face. He cleared his throat and began to read.

_Mary Sues_

_A Mary Sue (also known as Marty Stu or Gary Stu if male) is a perfectly normal person (usually muggle) who, using the strange magic of 'fanfiction', inserts themselves into the lives of any number of interesting people, such as: wizards, witches, Ringbearers, chosen ones, vampires (ensouled or no), angels and demons, Jedi and Sith, Dark Lords, mediums, serial killers, serial killer-hunting law enforcement officials, State Alchemists, Eldritch Abominations, bioterror specialists, supernatural butlers, superheroes, mutants, professional players of children's card games, assassins, Templars, kings, elves, extraterrestrial martial artists, paranormal hunting FBI agents, etc, etc._

_Mary Sues are very dangerous creatures, as once they invade, they are incredibly hard to get rid of - not because it takes complicated magic to do so, mind you, but because the pull of the Mary Sue is very strong. Most people are very susceptible to this allure, so as a result, no attempt is made to vanquish the Sue. Some people, though, do have higher resistance to the pull of the Sue, and some, in rare cases, are not affected at all._

_There are multiple indicators of Mary Sues, most of which are very noticeable. A Sue's name is usually very elaborate or unusual, such as Aaliylah Adelaida. There have also been occurrences of the a female Sue's name being something typically male sounding, such as Mack. They could also have a relatively normal name, which is spelled oddly (IE Izzibella, Janise)._

_A Sue always has model looks, such as beautiful hair which is always well-groomed, odd colored eyes (such as midnight blue or, in particular, violet), and perfect skin. They are usually very thin and can eat as much as they want without gaining an ounce. If not, then their curves will only be able to be described as being in "all the right places."  
_

_The Sue personality may be anywhere in the range of spitfire to shy, but everyone always seems to like them anyway and they always have an astronomical amount of friends. The rare person who does not like the Sue is usually not long for this earth.  
_

_A Mary Sue's intelligence is always much higher than humanly possible. They constantly have incredibly high grades (if in school surroundings) without seemingly studying. They might speak multiple languages, be able to skip multiple grade levels, and understand such complicated things as muggle rocket science._ _Nothing is impossible for a Mary Sue. _

_Another indicator of a Mary Sue is their background. Most Sues come from bad ones, such as broken homes, abandonment, abuse, etc. Of course, they probably found a way to rise above and be perfect. Another smaller percentage of Sues come from incredibly good backgrounds, such as wealthy, caring parents who pampered them constantly. Some may claim to have come from both at different times, despite the contradiction. Consistency is not a Sue's strength.  
_

Severus stopped his reading and glanced up at Hermione. The girl had dropped her own book and was staring at him with wide eyes.

"So . . ." she eventually said, "The Blossom Bitch is a - Mary Sue?"

Severus smirked. "Certainly sounds like Miss Blossom, doesn't it, Granger?"

Hermione flew up from her seat and knelt down by Severus, her eyes glued to the book. She began to flip through the pages.

"Where the hell does it say how you get rid of one?!" she demanded.

Both Severus and Hermione were absent from their classes that day.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The examples of where Mary Sues like to hang out was just a shameless opportunity for me to reference fandoms I like. I regret nothing.


	4. To Make a Potion

There were, as Severus and Hermione discovered, several different ways to vanquish a Mary Sue. Sucking her into something called a 'computer program' (whatever that was) and deleting her just seemed too complicated, while doing something called 'flaming' sounded as if it could be messy.

In the end, they decided to just go with what appeared to be the easiest - a potion.

The _Draught of Anti-Marianna-Suzzanna_ wasn't extraordinarily complicated to brew (at least not for a Potions Master), but a few the ingredients _were_ almost impossible to come by.

"Jaguar teeth?"

Hermione Granger shuffled through a neatly arranged box of potion ingredients until she came upon a small jar containing two long, sharp fangs.

"Jaguar teeth," she repeated, handing the jar to Severus Snape, who was currently hovering over a cauldron. The man snatched the jar out of her hand and began to open it.

"How'd you get those, anyway, Professor Snape?"

Severus winced absentmindedly, throwing one tooth into the bubbling cauldron. "I had to apparate into the middle of the South American Rainforest."

"The Rainforest?" asked Hermione, her eyebrow raised.

Severus nodded, stirring the potion five times clockwise before throwing the other tooth in. "I didn't want to - I _was_ actually going to just go to the apothecary again and see if I could special order it–" The potion began to smoke slightly, but Severus didn't seem to be worried about it. Hermione assumed that it was supposed to do that.

"But," began Hermione, "You went and got it yourself."

Severus nodded but didn't elaborate.

"So," pressed Hermione, "Something made you change your mind . . ."

Severus gritted his teeth. "I had the pleasure of witnessing the 'Blossom Bitch' practically _groping_ Harry in the middle of the Great Hall at lunch. I apparated to the Rainforest that weekend."

Hermione made a disgusted noise. "Nothing compared to what I've been seeing - if she rubs herself up against Draco one more time I swear to God I'm going to . . ." she trailed off, her eyes blazing with anger and her fists clenching.

"Lethifold skin?"

Hermione scrunched up her nose but began rifling through the box again. Eventually she came upon a large plastic bag containing a strip of black inside.

"I wasn't even sure that lethifolds _had_ skin before this," she muttered under her breath, handing the bag to her professor.

"That thing almost killed me," said Severus conversationally, maneuvering the piece of lethifold skin out of the bag and into the cauldron.

"I was there, you know," snapped Hermione.

"Really?" asked Severus, feigning surprise. "I seem to distinctly remember calling out for you to help me - you know, cast the _Expecto Patronum_ or use some other form of aid, but you never came to the rescue. It really just slipped my mind that you were even with me that night."

Hermione glared at him.

"Yeti heart," murmured Severus, reaching up and grabbing a jovially-wrapped box off of a shelf.

Hermione stared at it. "You - you suddenly decided to become decorative when storing dead organs, Professor?"

"No, Granger," snapped Severus, slowly taking the lid off the box. "I found this on my desk Christmas morning."

The smell coming from the box was repugnant, and Hermione winced minutely at the sight of the yeti heart.

"Who do you think gave it to you?"

Severus rolled his eyes. "The Headmaster, of course."

"The Headmaster?" repeated Hermione. "But - but that would mean . . ."

"Would mean that he obviously knows that Miss Rutherford is indeed a Mary Sue, yes. But the meddling coot's eyes twinkled at me more than normal on Christmas night - and, really, who else would wrap a yeti heart in paper that has lime green Christmas bells on it with the flashing neon red words 'ding dong ding dong' below them?"

Hermione glanced down at the paper once more and had to agree.

"Virgin's hair?"

Hermione wrapped her finger around several strands of her brown hair and pulled roughly.

Severus raised an eyebrow. "You're dating Draco Malfoy and you're still . . . a virgin. My, my - I will have to reevaluate my opinion of him."

Hermione pursed her lips and thrust the hair at the potions master.

Severus quickly added the hair and stirred the potion counterclockwise fifteen times before setting the cauldron aside.

"Now, it has to simmer for three days and then we add the last ingredient."

"Miss Blossom's blood," said Hermione, nodding.

"You're still sure about the plan . . .?"

"Yes," insisted Hermione quickly. "Trust me, Professor Snape - Severus - the Blossom Bitch is as good as _gone._ "

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *sigh* Brings back memories of when my chapter titles were even shittier than they are now.


End file.
